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Dec. 8th, 2004 @ 12:54 am Incredable!
Current Mood: awake
Wow.. I've been extremely busy lately.

So busy in fact that my birthday's just snatched up on me without me even realising it.

Gotta go tell Billy. Cheers
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Oct. 20th, 2004 @ 12:56 pm Basking in His Glory
Current Mood: cheerfulbasking in his love
Current Music: Kryptonine
The past few days have been complete bliss. I feel much better about Elijah and what happened at the ranch with Billy. Billy's convinced me nothing would ever happen, and without words.... though he tends to use his mouth quite often. But I'm not about to complain.

I'm more happy right now that I have been in a very long time. My heart flutters constantly, with just one look from his beautiful green eyes. I can have trouble breathing sometimes, just watching him do the simplest things. How is that possible? The man makes me want to rip my clothes off and run down the street screaming bouts of love at the top of my lungs. And all because of the way he might pick up a scrap of paper off the floor. Or hold his dinner fork. Or twine his fingers with mine.. or kiss me or-

Wow... I better stop before I get myself into trouble. Billy's at work, and well, I don't think I could wait that long for him to come home if I get going now.

I should go cook lunch, so it's ready when he gets home.

If you read this Billy, I love you.
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Sep. 2nd, 2004 @ 02:37 pm Shite...
Current Mood: *explodes*
Current Music: my giddy laughter
I said it. I finally said those three magical words, and suddenly, my whole world seems on fire.

I told him I love him.

And I meant it.

And he loves me back.
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Aug. 6th, 2004 @ 12:32 am Musings of a Romantic
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: Billy's quiet breathing
I've never had so much fantastic sex in one evening. I had thought that after my first night in Wellington, nothing could ever be better. However, a certain, Scottish, dryer-fanatic has proven me wrong.

There was nothing particularly special about it that stands out in my mind. No candles, or special events planned, rather spontaneous actually; not at all what one would imagine as a 'perfect first coupling.' There were awkward moments, the tangling of limbs, slipping on the shampoo bottle. But those moments had made it special. And just the way he looked at me, as if he were trying to see right through me, trying to crawl his way into my soul, invading and making a nest of my emotions; that was what had made it so romantic and perfect.

After our shower, we curled up in our bed, my chest pressed against Billy's, the soft delicate hairs of his chest tickling my stomach in a welcomed manner. I had one leg draped tenderly over his still naked body, not yet wanting or willing to lose that connection. And when I kissed him... bloody hell. Nothing else mattered. That is until I felt a familiar aching returning.

By this time, my stomach had begun to growl with another hunger, one that could not be tamed by the sweetness of Billy's kiss. And despite my desires to laze about and continue our exploration and gentle embraces, food once again got the best of me.

And that's where I thank the creators of breakfasts in bed... or in this case dinner in bed.

I have to admit the assortment of fruits, cheeses and the bottle of wine didn't exactly meet the standards of a four course meal. But, then again, Billy didn't seem to complain when I fed him those strawberries.

And as I lay here, hours later, Billy's sleeping form wrapped protectively in my arms, I can't help but smile. There's a warmth inside my chest I've not felt in years, and the thought brings a smile to my lips. The feeling, which started out in the beginning as an instant friendship is starting to grow, the roots already deeply embedded in my heart. If things continue as they have been, I won't be surprised if, with a bit of water and a lot of sunshine, this will grow into something sturdy, beautiful and everlasting. I tighten my hold on the precious bundle curled in front of me, pondering to myself as I drift to sleep, if Billy is right; if this really could be it.
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Jul. 12th, 2004 @ 02:25 am Whisper Words of Wisdom, Let It Be.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: I'd Love You to Want Me ~ Bread
So many things have happened in the past twenty-four hours. I don't dare try to recall all of them; they threaten to bring tears to my already dry eyes. The only thing, however, that floats through my mind is the rich sound of Billy's voice as he sings song after song, lulling my tired eyes closed in gentle slumber.

Hours later, the apartment dark and quiet, I'm awake. Balled up under a mound of blankets, my makeshift curtains covering the window and a new coverlet piled around me. I smile, snuggling deeper into the warm mass, knowing that it is all Billy's doing. I'm beginning to see how much he really does care for me, although I don't know why. Why should anyone care for me?

Elijah did... but in a different way. He belongs to another; I know that now. It makes it easier to let him go, knowing that he is loved; harder because something about him drew me to him. And he pushed me back: back to Billy. Go home to Billy. Billy loves you.

So I went back, expecting the worse, but was welcomed with open arms. He fed me, talked with me, listened to me, comforted me. Never once did he interrupt me, accuse me, yell at me, beat me, or abuse me. It’s another first, and it’s a strange feeling, safety. I hope I am not making another mistake, but, he even sang to me, and his heart spoke to mine through the lyrics. Somehow, I know he is different than the rest.

I remember lying down speechless after one of the songs, his eyes locked with mine. I see the want in your blue eyes. Baby, I'd love you to want me, the way that I want you, the way that it should be. Baby, you'd love me to want you, the way that I want to, if you'd only let it be.

I curled up, and he sang me to sleep, his soft voice filling my dreams with peace.

And now, as I lie awake, Billy sleeping softly in the next room, I have to ask myself, do I let it be?
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Jul. 9th, 2004 @ 12:44 am Subdued
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: the turning of the wheels in my head
We're like an old married couple... and we're not even together.

Billy and I had another long, drawn out... dare I say vicious fight this morning. And what's worse, is that I can no longer enjoy the happy memories of Wellington that I once had. It's becoming just another dot on the map... my haven is crumbling around me in such short time.

But control it I must... if I will ever live in harmony with Billy.

I spent the whole day trying to go through boxed of things... didn't get very far. A few kitchen items, the television, and then... nothingness.

I found myself spacing out quite frequently today. My mind wanders on its own, and when it has such wonderful memories to return to, it makes it harder to control. I've decided that mentioning... or even thinking about Elijah around Billy is a bad idea. However, it's hard for me to keep a lock on my mind.

Some how it just doesn't seem fair. For either of us; we can't have what we desire.
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Jul. 8th, 2004 @ 09:30 am It's hard to stay detached.
Current Mood: crappycrappy
Current Music: my silent breathing
I've never cried so much at one time before. My eyes are dry and blood shot, my lips chapped from all the salvia, my throat sore and nose blocked with snot. All together, I'm a mess, with my tear stained shirt and puffy eyes. And of course there's the headache. I feel like utter shite, but that's nothing compared to the condition my heart is in...

I hurt him. Flat out. I wish I could take it back, everything I'd said, everything I'd done... But what was it? I don't even know.

Love me, Dom?

How! How can I? I barely know him. And... and I think I have feelings for another just the same.

That's what makes this so hard; the cause for all the tears, because I know I can't have what I want. It would just be so much easier if I could return Billy's feelings; but in good conscience, I can't. Right now at least.

I tried, really hard not to let myself get attached. I’ve always been detached, and for long years I’ve not had a problem. But now- now I can’t control my feelings, and it’s frightening.

Right now, all I can think about is him, and the glass rose on the windowsill only serves to remind me of something that can never be.
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Jul. 6th, 2004 @ 01:40 am (no subject)
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: chirping of the crickets
It's nice just lying here on the futon, staring out Billy's apartment window up into the stars. The vastness of the Milky Way is just... unbelievable.

Sometimes I just wish I could escape from it all. Just walk out the front door, spread my arms and fly away; but I guess in a way, that's what I've done my whole life. Flying away and running away are just about the same. And yet, as hard as I try, I can never seem to reach the stars where I so often find my imagination wandering.

But here, in Wellington, on Billy's futon in his our apartment, I find myself closer to my dreams than I have ever been. There's a certain peace about New Zealand; perhaps it's the way the waves beat upon the shore, so different than in England. Perhaps it is the company I now keep: a werewolf and a centaur. I do not know, but I may have an idea.

I feel comfortable here. I can joke and be free, not have to worry as I did before. I don't think I've once had to look over my shoulder too keep an eye on what's lurking in the shadows.

And then of course... there is that certain pair of enchanting eyes I keep musing about.
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Jul. 2nd, 2004 @ 02:17 am Hello Goodbye
Current Mood: hungryhungry
Current Music: the slamming of the door
I guess one would consider my first night in Wellington a success. However, after Elijah left, there was nothing but emptiness, how I loathe being alone; I thrive off of others' energy. Being stuck in that hotel room alone was terrible enough to cause me to gather my belongings and make a trip even to the laundry matt. Oh the shame.

And it was there that I found what I was looking for.

However, once again, I find myself “abandoned.”Collapse )
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Jun. 30th, 2004 @ 11:03 pm My Welcome to Wellington
Current Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
Current Music: the drip of blood
Dominic: *Sighing deeply, my bag slung over my shoulder as I walk barefoot down the beach, the sun beginning to sink beyond the horizon. The pain in my chest has grown, instead of fading as I had hoped. Although my fears are less, my loneliness has grown considerably. I try to remind myself that I've only been in the country for less than a day, but this only proves to cause more despair. I sink to my knees, dropping my bag and letting my fingers play through the sand. It's soft, yet rough at the same time, and I take a deep breath, rising and grabbing my bag. Halfheartedly, I continue my trudge across the sand.Collapse )
warning: NC-17, slightly violent
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